so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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