I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
