My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize