Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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