i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
