I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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