I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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