The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
