When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
