I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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