i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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