Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
sex in a hospital.. check
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
