sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
