i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
