guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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