my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
