moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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