that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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