i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
