Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
