apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
smell my finger.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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