A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
