i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize