Don't make out with my wife yet
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
