I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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