My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
