I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
