so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize