i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
