I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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