Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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