I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
