You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
