Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize