dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
