I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
