I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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