and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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