Define "chronic" masturbator.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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