So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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