i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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