I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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