That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
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