I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
