I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
