My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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