I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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