when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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