we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
