Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
