I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
