I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
