Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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