Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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