I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
