I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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